I finally am fessing up that I'm not. I'm not at all.
The way I've been dealing with everything the last couple of days is to run my life like I'm a robot. I give myself projects and things to do. I have a timeline. I have a plan.
Last night, I had a plan in my head. I left work. I went to the gym. I came home and was organizing and packing for my trip to San Francisco. At about 8 pm, the door bell rang. I thought it was my friend coming over to help me fix a couple of things. So, I run to answer the door. I don't look out the window like I normally do. I just run to answer it.
And standing there on my front porch is a young black man. And I turn into the very woman I never wanted to be. My mind just starts reeling. Seriously, the first thought in my head was "it's one of the boys come back to the house." I am seriously gripping the door handle.
And here is where I mention that I have absolutely no poker face. Everything I'm thinking goes right across it.
He just looks at me and says "Hey, are you ok? I didn't mean to scare you..." And goes into his speech about how he is selling magazines to win a trip. I calm down, smile and profusely apologize, and I explain that I had just been robbed that past weekend and am in a weird place. He was very sweet about it. I let him start his speech again.
My mind of course is still not in a great place. I question why he is here from Topeka, Kansas to sell magazines. I smile, but you can probably tell its not real. He asks if I want to purchase one, and I tell my first lie "I'm not a magazine person." Lie lie lie. Sitting right there on my coffee table were National Geographic, Domino, and People. The truth, I just didn't want to deal with him at 8 pm on a Monday night on my front porch at night.
He again was nice and said that was all ok. He then started walking away but asked if I had a bottle of water. Get ready, lie number two coming up. "No, I'm sorry all I have in the fridge is beer." Lie lie lie. Again, I just didn't want to deal with him at 8 pm on a Monday night on my front porch at night. I just wanted to lock my door and get out my croquette mallet, again.
Then, not 5 minutes later my doorbell rings again. I look out the windown this time and its a young woman. I open the door, and she immediately says "Hey, its Tara your neighbor. Remember? The magazine guy just told me you had been robbed." The minute she spoke I recognized her. She is the super sweet girl one house over. I know who she is. But my mind was just not working. I talked to her for a bit, but went inside and just sat down and tried to breath.
And then I just broke down.
I need to stop setting unrealistic expectations and deal with this.
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6 comments:
Victoria, you are PERFECTLY NORMAL!
You are still spooked from the robbery. You reacted EXACTLY as I would have under the circumstances. By the way, the magazine sales are most likely a scam, because door-to-door magazine sales are one of the oldest scams in the business. Don't buy!!
You are FINE! You are having a delayed reaction about the burglary. Give yourself some time and lots of hugs with friends. This too shall pass!!
Oh, honey. I'm so sorry. This was crazy, freaky stuff, and it's absolutely normal to still be shaken up about it.
As for the "magazine salesman," I don't mean to be alarmist, but you do need to be very leery of them, and you were absolutely right to lie and not leave him at your front door to go get a bottle of water. In Abq., we've had some bad incidents with some of these dudes, and you are not being weird, you are being SMART, in not buying into the whole schtick.
Open the door, do not give them time to say anything, look them straight in the eye and say "Not interested" and close and lock the door.
Don't be so hard on yourself. You've got every right to be leary. Give yourself time...and I agree with food czar. One of my mom's fave quotes: This too shall pass.
I rarely, if ever, open the door to someone I'm not expecting. Of course, that doesn't help with knowing my neighbors. You've got some fantastic ones that look out for each other!
Another good habit to try: Simply ask, "Who is it?" whenever someone comes to the door, particularly someone unexpected and especially at night. That way, if you don't like what you hear, don't open the door!!
hugs, V.... i'm so sorry you're having to go through all of this, but it's good that you're letting yourself feel the emotions of it all and deal with it....
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